


power tone

by danketsu



Category: THE iDOLM@STER
Genre: Character Study, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, family flipped haruhaya, genderneutral!P, incredibly hayato centric, maybe set 6 months after the anime, teenage boys are teenage boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:13:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22413796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danketsu/pseuds/danketsu
Summary: He didn’t like feeling like this. He pretty much always wore his heart on his sleeve, too emotional not to, but nobody being able to get in touch with Haruna was making Hayato more frantic than usual.
Relationships: Akiyama Hayato/Wakazato Haruna
Comments: 8
Kudos: 9





	power tone

**Author's Note:**

> today is the 2nd anniversary of the 315 st@rry collaboration cd 02 release!! i started this fic after sideani's first hxj episode was released and i remember finishing it exactly on this date bc i bought the cd to celebrate ٩(｡•́‿•̀｡)۶ i kind of forgot about it for a long time (and its been so long now that its been canonly debunked lol!) but i realized today was the anniversary of the cd release, so i dug it up, wiped it off and wanted to share it!
> 
> this is a haruhaya family flip, as i like to call it! its premise actually based off a doujin where the idea of haruna being incredibly distant with his family and hayato being close with his mother (but shes still almost never home) is explored. i only remembered this fic existed after harunas remember shot card was released in november and his relationship with his family was finally explained :')
> 
> even if its not canon compliant anymore, i hope somebody enjoys it! there are themes of homophobia and extremely mild violence in this (like its barely even mentioned), and hayato cries like three maybe four times. its a doozy.
> 
> enjoy!

Haruna hasn’t been to school in two days. 

This isn’t the most unusual thing to ever happen, as there is rarely a week that goes by where Haruna doesn’t end up skipping at least a few classes, but Hayato still feels like something’s... wrong. Something’s different. Not only has Haruna not been to school in two days, but they haven’t heard from him at  _ all  _ in those two days. Every extra second that goes by makes him itchy and uncomfortable in a way that’s different from stage fright or being unready for a test; it’s like there’s something under Hayato’s skin.

Usually when Haruna skips, it’s for one of his part-time jobs or him leaving early to get in line for a special donuts sale. He at least keeps in touch and comes to HxJ practice, but none of them have heard from their drummer since they said goodbye after practice a few days ago.

Hayato would definitely be one of the first, if not the first to know if something was up, he thinks, laying face-first on his bed. He’s been like this for hours after they came back from practice, discarded sheets of paper with crappy lyrics and riffs scribbled on them and set-aside video games around him.

HighxJoker spends pretty much every waking second together, sometimes even including the non-awake ones (Hayato counts six times that Shiki has fallen asleep on his floor while studying in the past month and ended up spending the night). There’s not much that goes on that the others don’t know about. Hayato couldn’t even begin to imagine what was wrong. 

Underneath his concern, Hayato’s been feeling really lonely without their drummer.

_ Your drummer _ , his brain unhelpfully supplies.

He blamed that thought on his dumb brain missing Haruna and rubbed his face into the pillow roughly and hugged it tighter to his chest. Why did he have to disappear right after Hayato’s quote unquote crush had reached an unmanageable level? Right when he’d worked up the nerve to do something about it? He’d just been gathering up courage to confess for about a week now, but now Haruna had gone and disappeared and made everyone worry and what if he’s in trouble or  _ hurt _ or planning to quit HighxJoker or-

Whew. Deep breaths.

\------

The first morning Haruna didn’t show up began pretty normally.

Haruna didn’t show up to walk to school with him, Jun, and Natsuki, but that happened sometimes. The drummer often had a tough time waking up the morning after he worked late at the construction site or one of his other- what was it now? 3 jobs on top of being an idol and a student?- 3 part time jobs.

Hayato shook off the mild, embarrassing feeling of disappointment at not getting to see Haruna’s leftover bedhead and hear his still low morning voice, and chatted with Shiki when they met up with him, easily getting swept along with the conversation because really, how hard  _ could _ it be to get real fireworks onstage with them? Even if Jun argued that the fireworks volume would overpower their instruments, it was definitely something to look into...

What was weird was when Haruna wasn’t in class by the time the bell rang. Or when he didn’t sheepishly pop his head in and apologize to their teacher for his tardiness and take his seat right behind Hayato like he usually does on days where he’s running a little (or very, very) late.

All day, Hayato’s eyes kept flicking back to their classroom door, and the HighxJoker group chat kept vibrating in his bag with Shiki wanting updates on Harunacchi’s Mega Fun Vacation That Nobody Else Was Invited To that he’d apparently decided was definitely happening.

Hayato hid a snicker behind his hand at Jun telling Shiki to stop sending texts or he’d block him, and went back to one part watching to see if Haruna would come in and one part doodling random lyric ideas in his notebook instead of listening to the lesson like an actually good student. If the lyrics he doodled began to increasingly involve “missing you” and got more of a lonely undertone as the day went on and was increasingly Haruna-less then that was just a coincidence, okay?

When the bell rang at the end of the day and only 4 members of HighxJoker gathered in the club room, Hayato grabbed the kumacchi pillow before Shiki could and put his head down onto it.

Stupid Haruna for making him feel all of these stupid feelings.

Worry, loneliness, embarrassment; they were all hitting him pretty hard now that he couldn’t even pretend to be listening to the lesson their teacher was going on and on about. He groaned into kumacchi’s pink fur.

“There, there,” Shiki said, patting Hayato’s head understandingly, “Let kumacchi heal you.”

They settled into their usual routine. Jun compiled his homework from that day on the table and Shiki pulled out his phone (probably to bother Harunacchi a little more) but Natsuki’s eyes stayed on Hayato, “Haruna... he wasn’t here today. Do you think... that he might be sick?” Natsuki’s gentle voice asked, always calm, always reading right through to what Hayato’s thinking without even trying like a psychic or prophet or something. 

Hayato shifted his head so one eye was peeking out at their bassist and mumbled, “Probably...” noting inwardly that if anyone would immediately understand Hayato’s feeling of longing for someone he sees every day, it would be Natsuki. He spares a thought for all idols with crushes on their unit members (and sends out a little prayer that his isn’t as obvious as  _ some _ people’s). Life was hard. Hayato pulled out his phone and opened a private message to Haruna, hoping that creating a private point of contact would quell his own worry for a while. 

LEADER 🎸🎮: im sure you saw our messages in the gc lol but just let us know youre alright ok ^^

That was normal, right? Something a concerned leader would say to his bandmate? Not too worried, but not too clingy? He typed out a practice ‘its not fun here without you’ and ‘i miss you’ just to imagine what it would be like to actually be able to say those things, but quickly backspaced when Shiki looked over his shoulder, no concept of personal space as usual, “Is Harunacchi not replying to you either? I’ve sent him like, at least a million texts, and I don’t think he worked today or he would’ve at least told us or texted somebody back, right?”

“Maybe he doesn’t want to use his phone at work,” Jun said, not looking up from his homework, probably still annoyed about the barrage of texts Shiki was spamming all day, “Not everybody is like you and glued to their phone all day, every day.”

Shiki pouted and laid his cheek on top of Hayato’s head, Hayato’s hair sticking a little to his skin. Hayato accepted the human contact as a form of Missing Haruna Solidarity. Shiki poked Hayato and whined, “It’s not like Harunacchi to just ignore us, though! We’re his, like, favorite people! He mega loves us!!” Hayato’s cheeks warmed at that and nodded in agreement into the kumacchi pillow, dislodging the vocalist a little.

“What if he’s in trouble?! We should stop by his place on the way home...!” Shiki offered energetically, dislodging himself all the way and standing upright to look between his band mates, vaguely reminding Hayato of Teru-san when he brought up those really cool hero sentai shows he watched.

Jun huffed under his breath, Natsuki looked mildly uncomfortable, and there was no way Hayato had the nerve to go and potentially bother Haruna when there was a high chance he was just busy.

As much as he was worried about their drummer, he’d almost definitely be back tomorrow with a story about being called in for overtime and he’d treat them to dinner after practice as an apology and everything would feel right and normal and Hayato could go back to fretting about his crush like usual. That’s definitely what would happen. Haruna would apologize and everything would be alright again. This dark feeling in his chest would be gone by this time tomorrow.

“Maybe we should wait... I mean,” Hayato started, trying not to stumble over his words, “Haruna’s probably just really busy, right? He’s got a lot on his plate right now... He’s skipped before because he needed to catch up on homework, right? That’s probably what it is this time, too...”

He trailed off, not really believing his own jumbled thoughts that somehow came out as words, but his need to do what was best for Haruna outweighed his selfish need to simply be near him. Just when he was sure he had sounded so super unconvincing that nobody even remotely believed him, Jun nodded in agreement and Natsuki followed suit after a beat. Shiki looked crestfallen and a little like he still wanted to try and go, so Hayato piped back up, “When we see him tomorrow, we can ask what happened! Maybe he lost his phone!”

“And,” Natsuki added, concern extending from Haruna and Hayato to Shiki now, “We have a scheduled practice tomorrow... and Haruna has never missed a practice. So, I think... we don’t have anything to worry about.”

“Haruna is fine,” Jun added in, busying himself with organizing his pencil bag, “I’ve already gotten the homework he missed for him and, well…” he trailed off, cheeks coloring a little, “Even if he doesn’t care about school, he cares about the band. I’m sure we’ll see him tomorrow.”

Natsuki and Jun were right, Haruna always made it to practice. Haruna loves going to practice more than all of them combined, probably, after all. He always looked like he was having so much fun keeping the beat they’d created going on his drums, sharing ideas with Natsuki about how keep HighxJoker’s rhythm smooth and strong with their bass and drums. Sometimes when Hayato and Jun would sit in their corner of the practice studio and work on lyrics, and Hayato would look up and see Haruna laughing with Shiki or smiling at Natsuki and Hayato would feel warm in ways he didn’t even know he could.

The amount of times Jun would have to clear his throat to get Hayato’s attention again or bring his gaze back to their notebook rather than on the way the sunlight caught on Haruna’s hair in an unfairly cute way was too many times to count. Really, this sucked. Thinking about how much he wanted to see Haruna again made his stomach clench uncomfortably.

However, he felt a little better at the realization that it wasn’t just him who was feeling their drummer’s absence strongly. Haruna was important to the balance of the entire band’s dynamic, and it was no wonder they all wanted him back as soon as possible. It was just a little too quiet. Hayato supposed it was because Haruna was a drummer, but both figuratively and literally, he kept them all on beat. 

In their overly warm club room, Shiki looked placated by Natsuki’s comforting words, but was still visibly worried. Hayato was grateful for Natsuki’s level headedness in this situation; they were always kind of one in the same when it came to getting too anxious too fast so they’d begun to recognize it in each other easily nowadays. He also knew his face was probably just as easily read as their vocalist’s, so he pushed his head back into the kumacchi pillow. He tried to relax. 

He and Shiki were just easily riled up. They could probably benefit from being calm like Natsuki and Jun were (Though, he could see how Natsuki wrung his fingers together like there was more he wanted to say, and he could hear Jun’s foot tapping on the ground underneath the table, impatiently, fretfully). Haruna was definitely alright, he had to be.

But, he firmly forced his own anxiety down. Everything would be back to normal tomorrow.

——

Everything was not back to normal. In fact, it was even worse.

Hayato got to the meeting spot way earlier than everyone else, out of nerves more than anything. He felt dumb for leaving almost half an hour earlier than he usually did, but he could barely sleep last night. 

There had been an… attempt to finish homework and he played some RPG battle royale he’d never heard of with Kyoji-san and Takeru but after he ran out of distractions, he just laid there, lost in his cloud of thoughts and worry. He must’ve fallen asleep at some point, because he woke up before the sun had even come up, but he didn’t feel even a little rested. He was so out of it and distracted that morning, he almost forgot his guitar and only just managed to grab it before dragging his feet outside.

Over the course of the night, his phone had gotten a trickle of notifications, but none were from Haruna, not even a response to the private message he’d sent yesterday. He did, however, get the usual handful from Shiki sent during all hours of the night and one from Producer reminding them of HighxJoker’s practice after school and to bring the new song they’d talked about. There were also a few gacha game notifications reminding him that his LP or AP or HP or whatever was full and to please come back, master! 

He ignored everything, not able to focus long enough to take care of any of them, especially not the 2D characters waiting for him. He hovered his hands over the keyboard for a second before deciding to try and get ahold of Haruna one more time.

LEADER🎸🎮: hey… i know its early but i just wanted to say its alright if you cant make it to school but try and come to practice later!! even if you dont wanna (or cant?) play, you can relax with us around. we miss you!! 

He leaned against the light pole at their meeting spot and watched the sun finish rising. The thing was, he wasn’t even sure if he was more  _ worried _ about Haruna,  _ upset _ imagining what could’ve been so bad that he just disappeared without a trace, or  _ angry _ he had just disappeared without contacting them in the first place. He didn’t like feeling like this. He pretty much always wore his heart on his sleeve, too emotional not to, but one of his band members (specifically  _ that _ one) potentially needing help and nobody being able to get in touch with him was making Hayato more frantic than usual.

The closer it got to the actual time, the more antsy he got. He adjusted the length of the strap on his bag, tied and retied his shoes about three times, took the battery out of his watch. He fidgeted around until somebody walking by looked at him like he was insane while he was sitting on the curb, tearing up handfuls of grass. His face turned bright red and he’d scrambled to pull out his phone and maybe not look like as much of a nervous wreck.

That wasn’t much better, because he just ended up scrolling through Haruna’s Twitter account, looking at the photos he’s seen a million times because he was  _ in  _ most of them himself, he felt anxiety he hadn’t felt in a while. He had felt mostly alright yesterday, but now he was just high-strung; like he didn’t know what he would do if Haruna didn’t show up today, to school or at least to practice.

It was on his shoulders because he was their leader, but he couldn’t even pretend it was only that. The genuine worry for Haruna was itching up his throat.

Jun and Natsuki showed up at the same time, as usual. Neither of them looked surprised to see Hayato already standing there. Shiki arrived a few minutes later, looking like he took his time to walk all the way there instead of speeding down the sidewalk on his bike like he usually does.

Shiki was just as emotional as Hayato was, and relied heavily on companionship from his friends, so it wasn’t a surprise he was taking Haruna’s absence hard too, if not for a different reason than Hayato. It was a little jarring for it to be so quiet, but none of them spoke up.

Even Jun started to look a little antsy when Haruna still wasn’t there after another 20 minutes. It felt pathetic, but Hayato almost wanted to cry for real this time out of frustration. Natsuki and Jun were sharing a look of concern and Shiki already had his phone out, trying fruitlessly to contact Haruna again. He could’ve and definitely would’ve stayed there all day waiting for their drummer, but Jun nudged him and he knew that, as the leader, he couldn’t let  _ all _ of HxJ skip. They were counting on him, even if he was the one close to tears. Hayato gripped the strap on his school bag tighter and forced his voice into something with a sense of control.

“Come on, guys,” he said, forcing a smile, “Let’s go ahead and get going… Haruna wouldn’t want us to be late!”

Shiki grumbled something about how  _ Harunacchi would want us to be late every day, _ but they made their way to school. There wasn’t as much chatting that morning, everybody lost in their thoughts. Hayato still had a small, small sliver of hope before the bell rang, but seeing Haruna’s seat empty behind him for the second day in a row made the dark, frustrated pit in his throat become that much more pronounced.

At this point, it had to be serious, didn’t it? Haruna and the rest of HighxJoker have grown really close in the time they’ve been together. Haruna and Hayato have grown really,  _ really  _ close in that time as well. In the past, when something’s happened to the band, they’ve all worked together. A bad review motivated them to practice more. A live where they couldn’t quite sync up let them know where to improve. When there was a clash between them over what was “best” for the unit, it could be brought to Producer for a final judgement. There was always  _ something _ they could do.

Even when it came to more personal things, they’ve always been able to support each other. When Shiki’s mood dropped; when he felt untalented, like he wasn’t doing enough to be helpful to the band and the friends he cared about more than anything. When the stress of being the leader of their unit and having to balance HighxJoker responsibilities with school responsibilities made Hayato’s hand shake so hard he could barely type out a “sorry cant make it today” text to Producer. When Jun’s father would try and push him into a more prestigious use of his piano skills and put pressure on all of HighxJoker for their post-graduation plans. When Natsuki’s panic attacks would rear their ugly head once again and remind them all that taking care of each other was priority number one.

And Haruna and Hayato… they’ve always leaned on each other a bit more than on the other members. Haruna has always been the first person Hayato’s reached out for when he’s down, and vice versa. Haruna’s always been a rock; a solid, easygoing presence that made Hayato feel safe and loved. It sounds stupid even just in his head, but being around Haruna feels like home.

Even if they’re just in the same room (and they are, like, a lot), Hayato is so happy to be around him. His mom often teased him about how loud their laughter was when it was just he and Haruna together in his room, for hours and hours, not even doing anything in particular. Just enjoying each other’s company, laughing and messing around. Being without Haruna the past two days has been more painful than he ever would’ve expected, but, at the same time, it felt obvious that  _ of course _ he’d be completely off-balance because he’s not there.  _ Of course  _ nothing would be alright without him. 

There hasn’t been something they’ve run into yet that’s been unsolvable, but Hayato didn’t know what to do if Haruna wouldn’t respond to them trying to reach out. Even in the absolute worst case scenario where Haruna was hospitalized or something horrible had happened, his parents would have to contact 315 Production, so they would've already found out if that were the case. 

But then, there was also the, somehow even more painful, thought that maybe Haruna was upset with them? Angry at them? Was this his way of quitting HighxJoker? Hayato knew these were irrational thoughts and it was highly unlikely, as Haruna was generally the most laidback one of all of them and he’d proved his loyalty to HighxJoker day in and day out. But… still. It made Hayato’s skin crawl to even think about that.

Plus, everything had been normal the day before Haruna disappeared.

Better than normal, actually, Hayato warms remembering the day before yesterday. They’d all walked home together from the office and stopped for a snack at Shiki’s favorite ice cream shop on the way. Hayato and Jun shared a relatively normal caramel-apple cone while everybody else gotten their own, increasingly colorful flavors. Haruna had said that his birthday cake flavor tasted like donuts if you closed your eyes and imagined it, and had insisted Hayato try some.

Hayato remembered closing his eyes and letting Haruna spoon some into his mouth from the same spoon Haruna had just been licking. When he opened his eyes, Haruna’s face was closer, eyes sparkling and waiting for Hayato’s opinion. It could’ve been the worst thing Hayato had ever eaten, and he still would’ve breathlessly said that it was delicious to see Haruna’s smile there.

At the street where they went their separate ways, Jun and Natsuki started walking in the direction of their neighboring houses with small smiles and shared goodbyes. Haruna had turned to the two remaining HxJ members and high-fived Shiki and half-hugged Hayato before grinning cheekily and turning on his heel to walk towards the station to go to his construction part-time job, not headed home quite yet despite the time. Hayato walked home only thinking about how warm he’d been when they’d hugged; how good his jacket smelled. 

Everything had been normal. Everything had been great a few days ago, but now school was almost over for the day, and it was nearing 48 hours they’d last heard from Haruna. Hayato was torn straight down the middle between “oh god something terrible happened he hates us he hates ME hes going to quit hxj and drop out of school” and “hayato you codependent love-struck crybaby idiot hes FINE he probably just has a cold or something”. Hayato closed his notebook that had zero notes taken in it throughout that day and shoved it into his bag, already grabbing his guitar case from the back wall of the classroom and hurrying down to where HighxJoker meets to walk to the station together. 

After the short, tense train ride, they all hurried to their practice studio. It was kind of early, so Producer wasn’t there yet and another band from some other company was still in their room. The sound of that band’s drummer banging along to the upbeat song they were playing made Hayato’s heart clench.

It's been about four days since HighxJoker had last had a true band practice. Since they’d done a photoshoot and an interview on the same day during the weekend, Producer had given them the next few days off, telling them to rest up. If only they’d known that these would be the most stressful few days Hayato has ever had. So much for resting up, he guesses. 

The other band finished up, and the four HighxJoker members entered. They set up their instruments in silence. Everything about this felt wrong. Hayato desperately wanted to comfort his band; couldn’t stand for them make such sad faces. Natsuki and Jun were talking to each other quietly, so he strummed a chord on his guitar and moved to sit next to Shiki on the floor.

He played a random string of notes, quickly turning into something like a slower version of Shiki’s solo song. Hayato knew nothing he said could comfort anybody right now, because he was having the exact same thoughts as them, but he could try in his own way.

Shiki recognized it almost immediately and slumped over onto Hayato’s shoulder, accepting the affection Hayato was offering easily. Shiki always felt better with physical contact, and Hayato knew it made him even happier to not have to be the one to initiate it. It was definitely time to start practice and Haruna still wasn’t there. They both needed a little comforting right now, and this felt normal. 

Hayato finished and pulled out his phone, Shiki still looking over his shoulder. By habit at this point, he opened his messages and clicked to see if Haruna had responded yet. He hadn't. Both Hayato and Shiki sighed in tandem.

"What does Hayatocchi think is happening?" Shiki mumbled into Hayato's jacket, quiet in a way that Hayato hated to see their vocalist.

That was a good question. Hayato was definitely worried about the many different things that could've happened, but he wasn't really sure if any of them were realistic at all and worth sharing to anyone. "I…" Hayato started, looking for words that made sense, "I think he's hurting right now. There has to be something going on, right? It's not like Haruna to just ignore us..."

"You're wrong," Jun said suddenly, making Natsuki and Shiki jump in surprise at the loudness of his voice, "I don't think he's ignoring us. If you look at our group chat, and, um," he looks away, a little embarrassed, "in the message I sent him as well, he hasn't even read any of them. I think his phone is just completely off."

It was quiet again, after that. Hayato knew they were all thinking the same thing. What was so bad that Haruna couldn't tell them? Couldn't let them in?

The quiet was deafening; nothing like usual. No drums, no laughter, no crinkling of bags of snacks or boxes of donuts, nobody even messed around with their instrument. They’d all been quiet all day, but every second it went on, it felt like another crack in Hayato's composure.

He could break the silence easily; play a few chords, and everybody would probably snap out of it and go back to what they were doing, pretending to be productive while waiting for their drummer, but he couldn't. It was like he was pinned right there on the cold wooden floor of their practice room.

His mind swirled with a thousand thoughts, all of them concerning Haruna and HighxJoker. He checked his phone again; it was 20 minutes after their practice had officially started. It physically hurt to admit, but Haruna was probably going to be a no-show to practice. For the first time ever.

Hayato had pretty much resigned himself to this outcome when he hadn't shown up to school all day, but he felt pure panic now that it was really happening.

Haruna had never missed a practice before. What if this was it? What if Haruna really did want to leave? 

What was the future of HxJ without Haruna? Where would they even find a new drummer, let alone one as skilled as Haruna? The more Hayato thought about it, the more he realized he didn't even _want_ a drummer that wasn't Haruna. He didn't want anybody but Haruna.

Haruna was independent. Haruna was cool and fun and muscular from his part-time jobs and playing the drums a lot. He was funny and likable and Hayato’s best friend. When he joined HighxJoker right after Shiki, Hayato knew that this was it. The five of them together, this was how it was supposed to be. This was not only  _ exactly _ what he wanted when he started a band, but what made him realize that this was going to be so much more than a hobby or a club to start just so he’d have something to do after school. Or to get popular, but he didn’t even  _ care _ about that anymore.

HighxJoker is special, and Hayato would do anything for any of them. It was his job as the leader to nurture this dream. And now, as idols, with a growing amount of fans and job requests, their fate was tied together more than ever before. 

He couldn't just let this happen. 

He could feel Shiki lean forward to look at Hayato, probably wondering why his senpai suddenly had gone silent and developed a death grip on the neck of his guitar. Shiki's face went from cautious curiosity to immediate alarm, scrambling to be in front of him, "Hey! Hey… Hayatocchi, don't cry! It's alright! We're alright!"

There were tears streaming down Hayato's face silently, and he probably looked as horrible as he felt. He tried to wipe them away, but more kept coming. He let Jun take his guitar from him and Natsuki and Shiki fret over him. Shiki was stuttering over comforting words, trying to insist that everything was okay and Haruna was okay and HighxJoker was most definitely, super mega okay. Natsuki was quiet, but Hayato could feel the anxious sweat on his hands where he was gripping Hayato's shoulder. 

"I'm sorry…” Hayato mumbled, chest heaving with something a little too much like a sob. 

“It’s fine,” Jun didn't look up from Hayato’s guitar in his hands, “It’s okay to cry.”

Hayato hugged his knees. It didn’t feel okay to cry. Nothing about this situation felt even remotely okay. He knew everybody else was also stressed and upset that they couldn’t get ahold of Haruna, and here he was, their  _ leader _ , and crying his eyes out and making everybody worry about him. He felt really shitty. He wanted to be alone. 

What was even worse was that, if Haruna were here, he’d know just what to say or do to make the atmosphere less heavy. He’d know exactly what to do to make everyone’s worried faces and furrowed brows go away. Haruna would know exactly what to do. 

He wasn't used to this horrible feeling mangling it's way through him. Usually, he was upbeat, positive, always knowing what to do or say to make HighxJoker glue themselves back together. But right now, looking between Jun's uncomfortable fidgeting, Natsuki's hunched shoulders, and Shiki looking on the verge of tears himself, he felt even worse.

"We have to do something…" he said, cringing when his voice cracked like it did  _ every _ time he cried. 

Natsuki opened his mouth to respond, but at that moment the door opened. All four of their heads flipped around to see if it was  _ him _ , but every one of them deflated when it wasn't. It was their Producer, which normally would’ve made him super happy, but now it just hurt to see a reminder that Haruna wasn’t there and that they haven’t even started practice yet.

They weren't only missing a member, but also being unproductive and wasting the time that 315Pro allotted them in the practice room. Hayato inwardly bets that  _ Jupiter _ has never had a useless practice where Touma broke down crying on the floor because Hokuto-san was busy for a few days. Hayato put his head back down on his knees, his head a muddied mess.

Producer walked forward, interrupting their own greeting and asking what was wrong, immediately feeling that the atmosphere was dark, not at all like a usual HighxJoker practice. Hayato kept his head down. It was bad enough to cry in front of his band mates, let alone someone he respected as much as Producer. 

Producer knelt down, joining their little circle. Jun explained the situation, since he was the only calm one as of that moment, and Producer listened carefully. They didn't even say anything about the obvious tear tracks on Hayato's face, which he was very grateful for. Producer nodded, taking the situation seriously; actually listening to their worries and concerns instead of blowing them off. Hayato was grateful. It made him feel like he wasn't so crazy for feeling so uneasy.

"Hayato-kun, you've tried to reach Haruna-kun as well?" Producer asked, probing the leader for an answer now. 

"Yeah… I messaged him twice and he didn't respond to either of them," Hayato cleared his throat a little, trying to sound like that didn't upset him as much as it did.

"Hm…" Producer looked like they were thinking of what to do next, half-talking to themself and half-still addressing the band, "This certainly is very out of character, isn't it? Especially since he didn't respond to Hayato-kun. I would think that Hayato-kun would be the one person he'd respond to if something was the matter."

Hayato could feel his cheeks and ears and  _ heart _ go warm at that, stomach rolling for the first time since Haruna'd gone missing with something that wasn't anxiety. He knew they were close, obviously, but for somebody else to bring it up (for  _ Producer _ to bring it up) so casually, like it was a sure, constant that everybody knew about… It made Hayato miss Haruna even more, somehow. Like it was valid that he was so off-kilter from their drummer's absence.

Hayato was really happy Producer showed up.

Producer decided on contacting Haruna's parents, that being the logical next step. Haruna himself wouldn't answer them, then maybe his parents knew something? That definitely made sense, but Hayato was… hesitant about this, if only because he knew how Haruna's parents were. They weren't terrible, but they weren't the  _ happiest  _ about their son's idol activities and all of HighxJoker knew that Haruna's wasn't an option when choosing where to hang out. It was just a part of being friends with Haruna.

It wasn't serious, or at least Haruna said it wasn't, and Hayato had grown to accept that Haruna's parents were just nothing at all like their casual, fun-loving son and they clashed every once in a while. Hayato didn't have many details, but he figured not everybody could get along with their parents like he did. Haruna and Jun were perfect examples right in front of him, after all. Him not seeing his mom very often probably had something to do with it, but still. 

Haruna always insisted it was nothing to be worried about, and Hayato couldn't think of anything better to do, so he simply watched Producer step out and head back to the agency to get Haruna's emergency contact info. Before they left, they told the four HighxJoker members on the floor to look over the song Hayato and Jun had been working on and then work on the design for their collab event next month.

Hayato was grateful for the tasks. It was a distraction from the still too-quiet room, at least. On the bright side, it made his heart a little lighter, remembering that there were still things he could do to make sure things were running smoothly.

They managed, somehow, to get through the work assigned to them. Everybody was still subdued, but crying made Hayato feel better and he managed to use that burst of energy after Producer left to do something useful, like finish that one line of the chorus that had been giving him trouble and couldn't figure out on his own. Shiki was still quiet, and Hayato could feel Jun’s eyes on him, but it was almost like a normal practice. 

Hayato parted ways with them early, needing to stop by the music store before he went home to pick up something. Well, that was the reason he said, but if he were honest with himself, he was waiting for Producer's call to see what Haruna's parents were going to say. Maybe the reassurance from Producer had given him  _ too much  _ energy, because now all he could do was walk aimlessly and try and get the jittery feeling out of his legs.

He almost headed to the 315 Production office just to see if anybody was there (or if Haruna was there), but he decided against it. He still didn't feel that great, after all. Just jittery. And nervous. And still the kind of tired that only crying your eyes out will make you. Just all around gross.

He didn't actually have anything to do after he got the strings, just too anxious to be around other people, and Producer was taking their time calling him with an update, so he just meandered on home. It was dark inside when he unlocked the door, and it made the loneliness come back in one crushing bite, sapping him of any leftover energy he might’ve had from being productive earlier. The chaos of today had just made him burnt out by this time.

He should’ve just stayed with the rest of HighxJoker. He really was worried about Shiki, after all.

He trudged up to his room, mentally and physically exhausted. He carefully set his guitar in it’s stand before spinning and throwing his school bag in the corner and shoving his uniform off. What a stupid day. He still had a headache from crying, too.

He was able to collapse on his bed for about three seconds before his phone rang. His scrambled to pull it out and, oh shit oh shit, it was the call he was waiting for from Producer.

"Hello?!" Hayato half-yelled, probably blowing out the speaker and Producer’s poor eardrum. 

"H-Hayato-kun! Yes, hello!" Producer sounded startled, obviously not expecting Hayato to answer the phone screaming, "Sorry to have kept you waiting, there was a problem with Drastars' photo shoot and I was stuck on the phone for a while. But... I did manage to get in touch with Haruna-kun's parents."

"What did they say?" Hayato asked, forcing himself to  _ shut up _ , stay calm, force that burst of emotion down. 

“Well… I couldn’t get much information, but they definitely know he hasn’t been going to school. I’m not sure if it’s because he’s sick or if they’re purposely keeping him home for some reason, but…”

Hayato’s heart clenched almost as tight as his grip on his phone. Maybe it was his general wariness of Haruna’s parents, but the knot of unease from earlier was building itself again in his stomach. He was so  _ frustrated _ . 

There was silence over the line, before Producer spoke up again. A little softer this time, like what they were saying was meant for Hayato and Hayato only. Like he was being trusted with something special, “Hayato, I'll be honest. I'm worried about Haruna just like the rest of you. Even if he's only sick, it's concerning not knowing how he is. And… if he’s still not at school tomorrow, I want you to go and check on him.” 

“Like… go to his house?” Obviously that’s what Producer meant, but Hayato wanted to make sure. Like  _ sure _ , sure. Because, in some way, this was what he was waiting for; express permission to run directly to Haruna and protect him from all the things that could possibly be hurting him. But, in another way, this was exactly what he was scared of. Going to bother Haruna when there was a chance he just needed to be left alone.

“Yes. I think it would calm everybody down if you went and made sure. You’re the leader, after all.”

Hayato bit his lip, knowing that Producer was right, as  _ always,  _ but not really wanting to admit it _. _ He got weak whenever  _ anybody _ used his title like that, but they were always right. It was his job, his duty, and he really did take it seriously. Not to mention that, if he were honest, he didn’t want anybody but him to be the one to check on Haruna. He wanted to be the one to protect Haruna’s soft, warm, vulnerable underbelly from the rest of the world as best he could.

They weren’t dating, they  _ weren’t dating _ , they weren't even anything outside of Hayato's imagination playing tricks on him when Haruna would lean closer than he needed to, or fall asleep in Hayato’s bed, or say his name quietly, like it was a secret, in his dark room at 2 a.m. where it was only them and nobody else. But, Hayato felt it in every inch of his heart that they were more than just drummer and guitarist, more than just classmates, more than just best friends, even. 

He agreed to go to Haruna’s tomorrow and Producer let him off the phone, probably sensing that Hayato wasn’t in the mood to chat. He felt bad for being so weird, so in his head, but he still couldn’t conjure up anything meaningful to say. To Producer or the rest of HighxJoker. He didn’t even really have anything useful going through his head at the moment, either. 

He laid back on his bed, turning over to hide his face into his pillow, right back at the beginning. Nothing was really solved by contacting Haruna’s parents, except that now Hayato has been enabled to act on every weird, gurgling emotion in his stomach that’s been stirring for two- almost three!- days now by getting permission to go to Haruna’s house directly.

Hayato was filled with some sort of fleeting courage, hyping himself up. Imagining being the hero who comes in and saves Haruna from whatever or whoever causes him strife was semi-soothing. Kind of like a video game, but Hayato threw that thought away quickly. It wasn’t like that at all, really. Hayato knew he could be naive, but he also understood other people’s emotions more easily than anything else. 

He felt something cold move in his stomach just thinking about it, but lots of things have happened to HighxJoker and their friends since becoming idols. Stress, impatience, anger, arguments; none of the HighxJoker members were unfamiliar with that sort of thing. The most common problem was when Jun and Shiki would clash, and Natsuki would take Jun’s side, and Haruna would take Shiki’s, and Hayato would be in the middle, desperately trying to tie everyone back together again.

Those times of division between them was when Hayato felt like he was in over his head at this whole 'leader' thing and it was... a lot, sometimes, but he enjoyed being able to support his friends. 

The problem was, now, that Haruna wasn’t just another one of his friends.

It was kind of weird, because usually Hayato’s problem was the fact that they were  _ only _ friends, but now, with them being right on the cusp of something more, the breaking point being any day now, Hayato was trapped in acting like how friends were supposed to. How  _ boys _ were supposed to. 

He never thought about it when it was happening, too happy and in the moment to even think about if stealing Haruna’s sweaters to sleep in was normal, or if curling up in the same bed was something their friends from school did together, too. Hayato’s parents were never home these days, so maybe that also made it easier for he and Haruna to hold hands on the couch while watching some really bad horror movie and not feel guilty about it. 

It's been like this since they first started hanging out, really. Haruna never really concerned himself with other people's opinions of him, and it was easy enough for Hayato to ignore his own nerves when it was just the two of them, or even just around HighxJoker. If Haruna curled their fingers together while trying to fall asleep one night, the next night Hayato would sit himself in Haruna’s lap while he played on his Switch, letting Haruna hook his chin on Hayato’s shoulder and backseat game. Easy. A gentle ebb and flow. Testing each other’s boundaries, but never giving another thought to whether or not those boundaries should be crossed or not.

He’s acknowledged that how he feels about Haruna is different from how he feels about the rest of HighxJoker or his friends in 315Pro, but lately all he can think of when he looks at their drummer is how he wants  _ more _ . He can’t just sit on his bed or on the floor of Haruna’s room with him and not want to reach out and touch in ways that made his stomach roll over like molten lava when he was alone at night.

Touches that would definitely constitute being “more than friends”. They were already pretty touchy-feely with each other, but there  _ was _ a line, Hayato was pretty sure. It probably existed, somewhere. It’s not like he knew anything about relationships or being in one outside of crying at late-night dramas with his mom and reading shoujo mangas in the far corner of a store where nobody could see him. He’s never felt like this for anybody before.

Hayato’s head hurt.

This was too much thinking for him, and he still didn’t even know what to say to Haruna tomorrow, so nothing good even came from being lost in his thoughts, except that now he was twice as antsy as before. Whether Haruna showed up to school or if Hayato really did have to go storm his house, he had no idea what to do or say.

He must’ve worn himself out, falling into a fitful sleep for about an hour. The heat from being burritoed in all his blankets and going to sleep with a full mind made him sluggish when he blearily opened his eyes again, not feeling rested at all. In fact, he somehow felt  _ less  _ rested than before his little nap. The lights were still on in his room, and his phone dinged a few times with some notifs from the group chat. 

He thumbed through the messages, a ‘goodnight’ from Jun just a few minutes ago, and then two replies from Natsuki, which contained two entire heart emojis, Hayato counted. Hayato sent a heart too, and Shiki spammed enough hearts to fill up the whole screen. Hayato held his phone to his chest. 

That was usually when Haruna would send donut and bed emojis. Shiki sent a cake emoji, but it wasn’t the same.

——

Hayato didn’t sleep at all.

After his failed attempt at a nap, he couldn't fall back asleep for even a few minutes the rest of the night. It felt like only an hour or two passed before he was looking out the window at the sun slowly rising. 

This was two bad nights of sleep in a row, and paired with the exhausting days that came with them, Hayato was worse for wear. It felt like going through the motions, pulling his uniform off the floor to put it on and sluggishly gather his things for school. There was yogurt and some now stale curry bread that Touma had brought for everyone last week in the fridge, but just looking at those made him sick. 

He caught a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror by the front door as he was walking out, and  _ whew. _ He looked like he felt, at least. There was hair sticking up in every direction, and he wished he had one of Haruna's headbands to at least cover it up. Shiki would gawk if he saw that Hayato left the house like this.

Well, it’s whatever. It was windy and downcast when he opened the door, so his hair would be super messy no matter what he did. He couldn’t find a single part of him that could spare a thought to how his hair looked when he still had to figure out how to get through to Haruna. He took his time walking to the meeting spot today, despite the weather. There was no way he was as early as yesterday, but he was still the first person there.

The wind had made a badge on his bag come loose, so he fiddled with it for longer than was probably necessary. His head hurt. His  _ heart _ hurt. He didn’t want to go to school. The wind was so, so loud in his ears. Although he felt tired and lethargic, his leg was still bobbing up and down where he was sitting on the curb.

His watch told him it was still probably about five or ten minutes before anybody else showed up. Ugh. He pulled out his phone to open up his notes app, scrolling through what was probably hundreds of lyric ideas that he compiled from HighxJoker group chats, his school notebooks and his own mind. 

There was one that stood out, as usual. It was always at the top because he added to it pretty often and it was one of the longest, too. Marked with a single drum emoji, it was his file of top-secret lyrics inspired by or for Haruna. 

_ It’s not good if we miss even one person.  _ He types out those words carefully, each word lightening the weight on his chest.. Filling him with more determination than before. Determination to set things  _ right.  _ It’s been there all along, but at this point he’s just sick of it.

Producer had given him permission to go to Haruna’s house… they said he could go if Haruna was still absent that day, but who’s to say they meant after school? Certainly not Hayato. If Haruna could miss multiple days of school, why couldn’t he miss one? This was official band business. Haruna could seriously need his help.

Even if he listed all those reasons, it still made him incredibly nervous. But.

Hayato knew Haruna wasn’t coming today. That much was clear to him, no matter how much he wanted to believe he’d see their drummer walking down the street towards their meeting spot like always. Jun and Natsuki would probably be there in a few minutes, but Hayato couldn’t even wait that long. Another rush of adrenaline was hitting him, and he had to act  _ now _ before he lost it (and his confidence) again.

He still had his phone out, so he switched from the notes app to the ever useful group chat. Shiki had sent some messages that had gone unanswered around 3 in the morning, which had Hayato concerned for a second before remembering he was  _ also  _ up at that time, too. He couldn’t get distracted.

LEADER🎸🎮: P gave me permission to go to haruna’s today so im gonna head over now. im at the meeting spot already and i dont think he’s coming

stream hxj: WAIT!!!!!! IM ALMOST THERE CAN I COME 

stream hxj: 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

LEADER🎸🎮: nope only senpais get to skip school :p

LEADER🎸🎮: besides i think its better if we dont all overwhelm him you know

stream hxj: AAGHHH

Jun: Hayato, if Producer-san says it’s okay, I’m alright with it as well. 

Jun: Shiki, you know better than anybody that you can not afford to skip any classes.

stream hxj: >:o 

stream hxj: keep us upd8d ok!! tell him we <3 him!!!

stream hxj: waait hes in this gc too… HARUNACCHI WE <3 YOU

stream hxj: @king donut @king donut @king donut

Natsuki ★: Good luck

Hayato was encouraged by those responses, at least. Shiki could've probably come along and it would've been fine, but the closer he got to Haruna's place, the more he could feel that this was something he had to do himself. For his own sake, if not for Haruna's.

Haruna's neighborhood was quiet. Hayato's phone told him it was 20 minutes after school was supposed to start by the time he got there, so it was too late to bail and turn around and just go to school anyway. Too late to tell the other members that nobody answered the door and let Haruna contact them on his own time. Too late for anything like that. He had to do this. His phone was on silent and he was ready, hypothetically. 

It wasn't like he knew if Haruna was even home. He still wasn't sure of what to _say_ even if he was. He was kind of just hoping it would come to him when he worked up the nerve to actually go up to the door.

But for now, he was just… keeping watch. Definitely not stalling. Yup.

Haruna's mom's car wasn't in the back, which Hayato took as a good sign. It was light enough outside, despite the clouds, that he couldn't tell if any lights were on inside, and he couldn't see Haruna's window from his position, so he couldn't peek in to see if anybody was home. Which was probably for the better, because he already felt super creepy for sneaking around in, like, four or five circles around Haruna's house now.

He checked his phone again, running out of things to stall himself with. 37 minutes after school started. Haruna's mom wasn't home and his dad probably wasn't either. Haruna may or not be inside. Their trash hadn't been picked up yet. There was a small ant pile forming near their gate. He stepped on a crinkly wrapper stuck in the grass by the wind and it was so loud in the quiet morning that Hayato jumped.

He was still  _ so _ tired, too, despite how much he was stressing. And, even worse, he was beginning to get a headache from thinking too much.  _ You're not used to thinking this much, huh, Leader _ , he could hear the little Haruna inside his mind say.

Maybe he really was losing it...

50 minutes after school had started, now. One of Haruna's neighbors was outside watering her plants. He kind of wanted to go and ask her if she'd seen a tall, orange-haired teenager leave this house in the last few days, but that was definitely weird. Definitely stalker-ish and crossing a few too many lines. That's what he'd have to do in a video game, though. To clear the mission, he'd have to gather supplies and info from surrounding NPCs and-

He had to focus! He was in front again, so he had to just go up to the door, knock, wait for an answer, and then, just. Just… make sure Haruna was okay? Give him the homework he'd missed? That Hayato himself still hadn't done? Convince him to come back to school? To… to rejoin the band? 

Anything could happen, but he just had to bite the bullet and do it.

So, he did it. He knocked on Haruna’s door.

Half of him expected nothing to happen, and the other half was desperate for the door to open. Nothing did happen for a solid minute, and Hayato almost spun on his heel and got the hell out of there, before the lock clicked from the inside and then. And then.

Haruna was there. Haruna was there, right in front of him for the first time in three days.

Haruna was  _ there,  _ opening the door and looking almost normal. Almost. Haruna would look completely normal, safe, exactly how Hayato left him, if it weren't for the large purple bruise in a ring around his left eye and melting onto his cheek and the handful of cuts that looked like a scratch on his right cheek. Standing there looking tall, and muscular, and warm, and  _ hurt. _ Tired. Lonely, exactly in the way Hayato had been the past few terrible, terrible days. 

And Hayato did what Hayato did best. He burst into tears.

Haruna’s shoulders jumped and immediately reached out, "Hey! Hey, it's fine! Hayato-"

His hands were so warm on Hayato's shoulders. That's all that went through his head as Haruna pulled him into the house, shielding him from outside where people definitely weren't used to seeing a teenage boy sob like the world was ending. 

Haruna was talking, saying something about going to his room but Hayato didn't care. He spent three days wanting nothing but to hear his voice and now he didn't want to hear it at all. What  _ happened _ , why would he hide this, who did this, does it hurt, so many questions were scanning through his mind.  _ Did you miss me? _

For a short, burning second, Hayato hated him. Wanted to hit him and cry warm, wet tears into his chest. Stain his shirt in hopes it would stay there forever.

They were in Haruna's room now. Everything was the same as usual, except for the little pile of bandages on the shelf next to his bed. And, Hayato was still crying his eyes out. He sat himself on Haruna's bed and hugged his knees to his chest, trying to _ breathe _ . He hated this. He spared a thought for the Calm Rational Conversation they were going to have before he lost his shit.

Haruna… was  _ hurt _ . He was  _ injured.  _ He was probably in  _ pain  _ and Hayato had no idea up until a few minutes ago. Haruna went days struggling with this by himself. Hayato wanted to hit himself. 

What possibly could have happened to him, Hayato had no idea. If his face was that bad, there must be injuries on the rest of his body, too. Did he fall doing skateboard tricks or something? When was the last time Hayato even saw Haruna with a skateboard? Hayato couldn't possibly begin to guess what caused such a- such a  _ purple _ bruise. One time Ryu-san twisted his ankle before a live but it had just turned kind of red, so this must've been pretty bad, right? He had no idea what to think- it's like every strand in his brain was cut loose, so it was just a billion thoughts swirling around without any rhyme or reason. 

At this point it could be anything. Literally,  _ anything.  _ His throat hurt from crying.

Like Haruna read his mind, and he probably did, that asshole, "Do you need water? I'll get you water- actually maybe something warm? Uh... we might have tea but I'd haveta find the kettle, uh-" Haruna sat next to him on the bed. Wringing his hands together like  _ he _ was worried about  _ Hayato _ . 

Hayato had no idea what to do or what to say, but this wasn't a stranger. This was Haruna. He just had to keep telling himself that, and maybe it would help him get anything out of him that wasn't just a pathetic sniffle.

Haruna's hand cupped his shoulder and Hayato had half a mind to shake it off. To be mad and betrayed and upset and actually act on those feelings that were absolutely in his mind. But that warmth, that touch felt so good, like it was exactly the piece of him that'd been missing. For real, this sucked so hard.

But that touch also grounded him, like Haruna’s grip was the only keeping him tethered to the world beneath him. He felt like a balloon that was full of heated air, but Haruna’s reliable and warm hand had deflated him and was holding him in the palm of his hand. Or something. It calmed him down a little, at least, even if he couldn’t think of a good metaphor right now.

Haruna pulled his hand away anyways, settling his hands in his lap and staring down at them. Hayato wanted to pull his hand back to him. He let his legs down, too, and stared down at his own hands in his lap. He couldn't look Haruna in the face; couldn't look at that bruise or the cuts without wanting to cry again, so he just didn't.

Once Hayato had calmed down to just a few tears instead of ugly crying, Haruna spoke up again, "Are you alright?"

Instant reaction, "Are  _ you _ alright?! How can you ask that?!" Hayato raised his voice, standing up to stand accusingly in front of Haruna. 

Haruna's head dropped, "I'm sorry." 

Hayato deflated. He really wasn't one to stay angry, especially not at someone who was obviously going through  _ something.  _ But, still. This confusion was going to kill him.

"Haruna…" he started, feeling like they've gone completely out of order. Scrambling to find any sort of composure inside of him, "What happened? We've been trying to contact you for three whole days, now."

Haruna didn't answer. Hayato could see how white his knuckles were, hands clenched together. His heart ached. 

His hands were shaky when he reached out and put his hand over Haruna's, forcing him to relax, forcing  _ himself _ to relax, "I don't know what happened, obviously, but, um," he squeezed Haruna's hand, half to comfort his best friend and half to indulge himself in the touch he missed so much, "you know you can tell me anything, right?  _ Please _ know that."

Haruna looked like he was in pain, and not just physically. He looked so  _ sad,  _ it made Hayato well up again. He felt helpless. Like there was nothing he could do to reach Haruna, no matter how desperately he wanted to. He'd never, ever seen him like this. So conflicted and secretive. It hurt.

"Just… just tell me who did it," Hayato said, desperate now, eyes watering again, "Tell me who did it, so I can- I don't know what I'll do, but I'll make sure they never come near you again. I'll- We'll protect you, Haruna!"

Haruna huffed a laugh, then, looking like he‘d resigned himself to whatever was about to happen, leaning back on his bed. To what he was resigning himself, Hayato had no idea. He bristled, kind of offended, not even blushing at Haruna's shirt riding up like he normally would, "Don't laugh! You know we will!"

"I know, I know, I believe you," he said softly, so softly it hurt, "I just… I don't think I can tell you this."

Okay. That's fine. Okay, okay, "Okay, that's fine." Maybe if he repeated it enough he would actually believe that it  _ was _ fine. That he didn’t need to know every detail of Haruna’s life. Okay. He sat down on the bed, facing Haruna, "Why didn't you message us back, though? Shiki alone probably sent you over 200 messages, not to mention the group chat… We were really worried."  _ I still am. _

Haruna hummed, opening one eye to peek at Hayato, "Hmm? Did you send me any?"

That was too much like normal Haruna to handle right now. Hayato turned, hiding his face, "Just a few. But anyways, that's not an answer! And don't be like that right now, I'm still mad at you."

Haruna's smirk dropped and he shut his eyes again, not as relaxed this time, "Yeah. My problem is that I'm like that, right?"

What?

"What?" Hayato was even more confused now, pausing at picking at Haruna's old blanket, "I don't even know what you're talking about. And you're still not answering my question! Where is your phone, anyways?"

Haruna looked off to the side, rubbing his hands over his face, "Ugh- fuck. My mom took it. Like I'm in junior high! Like I don't pay my own bills!" he groaned, rolling over onto his stomach, then shifting when he laid right on a bruise that was apparently on his side, "I'm sorry I didn't respond to anybody... I didn't even see them, if it's any condolence?"

A breath, before some honesty bled into his voice, "I feel like garbage. Burning garbage, actually."

Hayato wanted to tell him he didn't look like burning garbage, but he wasn't even sure what that meant. Not to mention that he kind of  _ did _ look it, covered in cuts and bruises and being super disheveled and all. He was still hot, too, unfortunately, even if he wasn't making much sense and Hayato couldn't really follow what he was saying.  _ And _ there were still tears on his face making his skin tight, distracting him. This was such a mess. 

"Are you...in trouble? Or grounded? Why would your parents not let you go to school?" a sudden, sickening thought, "Did your parents do this?"

Haruna chuckled without humor, making Hayato feel worse, "I think it's more like house arrest or something? I was actually gonna come back to school tomorrow because I would probably be able to cover my face with makeup leftover from the training camp, but-"

"Haruna," Hayato interrupted, voice going quiet, "Why won't you answer me? What's so bad that you can't tell me?"  _ Please, look at me. _

Haruna shut up, then. Hayato reached out and touched Haruna's back, not for any real reason other than he wanted to. Needed to. Even like this, Haruna was so warm. 

"...My parents didn't do this," Haruna offered like it was all he could give, so quiet that Hayato could barely hear him. He rubbed his back encouragingly, scooting closer, "It was some guys from work."

Hayato breathed a sigh of relief, that was one problem solved. But, still, "Why would they-"

"Hayato, this… This is what I can't tell you," Haruna almost whispered, pain evident in his voice.

"You can tell me anything," he fights back, quiet, like he's said it a million times and it feels like he  _ has _ . He feels like a broken record, he feels  _ useless _ , but it's all he can say, no matter how weak his own voice is. He has no idea how to fix anything presented to him in the past 20 minutes.

Haruna seems so conflicted, and Hayato wants nothing more than to just be able to flip him and cuddle close and insist that it's  _ okay _ , it's fine, he'll take care of him, but he can't. Anything that would usually be normal for them as a device to comfort each other, seems suddenly off the table. 

It stings, seeing someone who is usually his rock feeling so shaken. And what makes it hurt even worse is that he knows Haruna is hurting, too. He feels so anxious; he kind of wonders what time it is, but he doesn't feel like shifting to get his phone out of his back pocket. 

If Haruna didn't want to, or couldn't, talk, that really was okay. Hayato did show up unannounced, after all. Not to mention, very early in the morning. He had no idea what to expect when he came here in the first place, but he supposed getting apparently  _ jumped _ and not seeming to suffer any major injuries was marginally better than quitting the band or dying of the plague like Hayato had been freaking out about the past few days. 

Even through his morbid relief, there was still a lot of concern, though, "You quit that job, then, right? You always get weird scary jobs with creepy people… Probably cuz' you always work at night? Which is dumb, too."

Haruna huffed a laugh and turned back around, gingerly, like it hurt. Hayato’s hand that was on his back got dislodged and he gingerly put it back in his lap. The very act of seeing a laugh from Haruna made Hayato feel, like, ten times better, though. Like it was back to normal. "I have to work night shifts because I'm at school or doing band stuff during the day, you know that. You want me to quit either of those so I can work normal jobs, huh?"

"Quit all your extra jobs, I don't care. None are even half as good as Hijo." Hayato pouted, then narrowed his eyes at Haruna, "and don't say that! You really scared all of us, yanno. I thought you were like, quitting the band or something."

Even if he tried to brush it off like he was never actually worried about it and it was just a thought that came to mind instead of something that'd been plaguing him nonstop for the past few days, Haruna definitely caught the twinge in his voice. 

"You know I'm Hijo through and through," Haruna scolded, "Me leaving should be literally the last thing you're worried about. I think Jun would literally kill me."

"Don't just worry about Jun killing you! I would too!"

"Weird flex, but alright. That's fair. You can kill me if you want."

Getting all heart-fluttery because his crush gave him permission to murder him was a new low for Hayato. Truly, there's something wrong with him. 

"It looks like someone already tried to kill you, stupid. I gotta be the one to watch out for you after this." Hayato really was trying to avoid talking about the elephant in the room after Haruna expressed an interest in Not Talking About It, but somehow every sentence out of his mouth was bringing it up again.

Haruna hadn't responded to that, and Hayato didn't really blame him for it. He didn't even really know if he wanted a response, anyways. 

They kinda just sat in silence for a few minutes after that. Both working up to say what needed to be said, Hayato guesses. Haruna obviously was keeping some things out of his story, but also seemed so uncomfortable and bothered about it that Hayato didn't want to just force it out of him.

If he had just gotten in a fight with his coworkers, Hayato couldn't imagine Haruna being  _ that _ upset about it. Playing drums kept him pretty muscular, and he was also out super late most nights, so Haruna having run ins with unsavory people wasn't uncommon. Usually he came out of it with a little anecdote that got him scolded by Jun, not by falling off the face of the Earth for a few days and coming back with actual  _ injuries _ . Injuries! Hayato still couldn’t quite wrap his head around everything.

"Do… do they hurt?" Hayato asked, motioning towards Haruna's face. He was still kind of queasy looking at it, but morbid fascination was making him keep doing so.

“Mhm… they feel kinda warm, I guess? Like there’s blood movin’ under there.”

That sounded like an invitation if Hayato’s ever heard one, and he was getting really tired of the distance (both literal and figurative) between them when all he wanted to do was  _ touch _ . So he reached out, fingers making contact with the discolored and certainly very warm skin of Haruna’s cheek. 

“Ah! Wh- shit, Hayato, your hands feel like ice!” 

Haruna flinched and flailed for a second and Hayato stuck out his tongue at him, not taking his hands away because, now that he was over the apprehension of being around his best friend again, he didn't care about holding back.

"You should be icing your face anyways, loser. Just lemme feel for a sec, okay?"

Haruna's face was really close. Hayato's original plan had been just to get close enough to assess Haruna's injuries properly, but now that he'd gotten to this point, his face less than a foot away from Haruna’s, his mind went completely blank.

His eyes stuck out a lot to him. They were still pretty and green and undeniably  _ Haruna _ , but they just seemed so... sad. Everything about Haruna right now seemed so dull compared to usual. Even if he tried to crack jokes and tease, Hayato could 100% see right through it. Haruna's hand clenched in the blanket under him and Hayato's eyes zeroed in on the action.

Hayato's hand moved to Haruna's hair unthinkingly, smoothing it down as gently as he could. He still couldn't even begin to guess what was weighing on Haruna's mind so heavily, but he could actually try and make him feel better now that Hayato himself had calmed down. 

The huge flash of emotions when he first saw Haruna from earlier had all but dissipated by now. The anger and betrayal and concern had melted away once Hayato was able to actually, just,  _ exist  _ in his presence again.

Haruna's eyes were shut now, but he looked more relaxed than Hayato had seen him yet today. It made Hayato feel less stressed, too. This atmosphere was more of what they were used to. Just the two of them together, even if they weren't doing anything or even talking at all, this was much more comfortable. Hayato's attention moved back to Haruna's face. 

“Are my hands still cold?” he asked quietly, finger tracing the line of a small cut. It went down Haruna's jawline, and it was way too easy for his eyes to move from there to Haruna's lips when he mumbled that no, his hands were fine.

God, Hayato had missed him so much. His Haruna withdrawal symptoms had come back to bite him with this proximity. He just wanted to collapse on top of Haruna and burrow under the blankets together and tell him that it's  _ okay _ to want to hide from the world, but please never hide from  _ me  _ and-

Hayato really couldn't handle this anymore. His heart was pounding so hard it made it hard to swallow, but being around Haruna again gave him some weird courage he didn't usually have.

He pulled his hand away, prompting Haruna to open his eyes. This was stupid,  _ he _ was stupid, but Haruna was even stupider and Hayato was still kind of mad at him for leaving him alone all week, so whatever. Trying to psych himself up like this was mildly working. He might actually do it. He  _ will _ do it. 

Moving slowly to give Haruna time to stop him, because it was pretty obvious what he was doing even if Haruna  _ was  _ super dumb. There was no way he was brave enough to actually full-on kiss Haruna, and he still kind of wanted Haruna to kiss him first like he'd been thinking about for months now, but this… this was enough.

He threw his heart to the wind and closed the distance between them all the way, finally. His lips meeting Haruna's bruised cheek in a small, nervous kiss. It wasn't anything more than a soft peck but Hayato felt like he'd just done the unthinkable.

There was complete silence.

"I said I was gonna take care of you, right? I, um," Hayato mumbled, leaning back and not meeting Haruna's eyes at all, keeping his gaze directly on how Haruna's grasp on the blanket had turned to a hard clench, "I don't know everything that happened, and you don't have to tell me, I guess, but don't j-"

He was cut off by Haruna grasping his wrist tightly. 

"You kissed me.” 

It wasn't a question, but Hayato nodded. He felt frozen. Haruna's hand was like fire on his skin.

"Just on the cheek, though. But, uh…" he was kind of panicking, not sure if he should pretend like it was some sort of platonic kiss (stupid) or just _ go for it  _ (terrifying), but luckily, he didn't have to make that decision.

Haruna went for it. 

The grip on Hayato's wrist moved up, up his arm to his shoulder and then he was being pulled back down and Haruna was so close- holy shit-

"Can I kiss you back?" Haruna mumbled, their faces inches away from each other now. Hayato could feel his breath on his lips.

Courage, gather it, come  _ on _ , Hayato, "You can if it's not on the cheek." 

Haruna's eyes widened before yanking Hayato closer so there was no space between them. Hayato was still sideways on the bed and pretty awkwardly leaning over Haruna, plus this was his first kiss,  _ plus _ he'd been dreaming of this for months now, but.

They were kissing.

It didn't last long, and it wasn't loud or extreme or anything but quiet and gentle and healing and it fit them perfectly. Haruna pulled back just a little to say something, but Hayato made a small noise in the back of his throat and pulled him back. No hiding it, not pushing down his want anymore.

Haruna wasn't fighting back or telling him he was weird or gross or pushing him away and Hayato was getting dizzy with the feeling of being allowed to touch and give in.

Haruna pulled away again, but kept their foreheads together, his hands on the back of Hayato's head, "I think you healed all my bruises n'stuff. You're magic."

Haruna's heart was pounding and Hayato could feel it where his arm was pressed against his neck. It matched the same rhythm as his, quick and strong. Neverending and powerful.

It reminded him of making music together, somewhere behind the dizzy cloud of excitement at the front of his mind. It reminded him of standing onstage and feeling like he could fly with the beat of Haruna's drums supporting him. Like he could do anything as long as he had Haruna behind him, steady and reliable.

As much as this didn't feel real, and as much as this had escalated in the past few minutes, it felt like everything swirling around Hayato had come to a complete halt. The only two people in the world were him and Haruna, and they had just kissed for the first time. 

Kissed!!

Hayato hid his face in Haruna's shoulder, trying to hide his goofy smile. Haruna's hands were still in his hair and petting gently like Hayato'd just been doing to him before. 

"I wasn't completely honest, before." Haruna said quietly, kind of breathless in a really hot way, "Or I didn't tell you everything, I guess."

Hayato raised his chin and rested it on the other's chest. He seemed determined, even if the tops of his cheeks were still pink and he couldn't meet Hayato's eyes. Which was really cute. 

“I’m gay, I think? I’m pretty sure, at least.”

Oh.

Hayato held his breath.  _ He’d _ known he liked boys since middle school, and never really had any problem with accepting it. There was the fact that he’d never actually, officially said it out loud or really even came out to anyone, but it didn’t mean he was ashamed of it. Though what that meant for the fact that both Natsuki and Jun came to that conclusion that he was gay on two entirely seperate occasions of wanting advice on how to talk to your boycrush, Hayato wasn’t sure. 

Most of the senpai at 315Pro were at least a little interested in men, too, not to mention that pretty much every time the little gaming club there got together, the conversation of  _ crushes  _ came up and it was always about how dumb it was to  _ like _ like other unit members, which all happened to be guys too. That, paired with literally the rest of HighxJoker confirmed liking boys  _ and  _ he and Haruna spending the better part of the last six months semi-flirting, Hayato never really had a big panic over it.

He had a few BL games hidden under his bed and definitely had visited  _ that  _ floor of the big doujin store a few streets down from 315Pro’s office more than a few times, and understood all too well what it would mean if any of his classmates or, even worse, his  _ fans  _ found out, but. It was a thing people struggled with. It was a thing  _ Haruna _ struggled with, apparently.

But with this, he realized, he'd never heard Haruna join in on any sort of conversation like that. Sometimes Shiki would bring in a CD of some new band he liked and talk about how cute the (male) lead singer was and ask for everybody's opinion, and Hayato was ninety percent sure he and Daigo had talked about their favorite seiyuu that they were obsessed with at least a few times in front of Haruna. These sorts of things were sprinkled into his every day life, but he'd never given it any thought before this.

Even when thinking about Haruna's sexuality specifically, the thought always came to him as 'someone like Haruna could never be into someone like me'. Never a thought about there being a problem about him also being a boy, but now, thinking back, that probably should’ve been something he was at least a little worried about. Also-

Haruna's grip in his hair had softened to barely there, and Hayato suddenly realized he didn't react to Haruna's confession , "Oh, um. I'm glad? Me too, I guess. I mean-"

Haruna pulled him back up to kiss him full on the mouth again. Hayato's surprised noise was muffled against his lips but he still flailed for a second before calming into it. It was a lot more messy than the first and it put a  _ thought  _ in Hayato's head about all the different ways they'd be able to kiss from now on, before Haruna pulled away again, holding his cheeks in his hands.

"You don't care? You don’t think I’m gross?" Haruna asked wildly, squeezing Hayato's cheeks together.

Hayato could  _ not  _ keep up with what was happening. From being pulled up, his leg was in between Haruna's now instead of laying next to him and it captured about 80% of his attention because wow, he wanted to never ever move from this spot, "I'm glad you are?! I don't know why this is suddenly- like, we kissed, right?"

Haruna's eyes went shiny for a second, "Oh my God, that's the least terrible response I've had to that all week. Holy shit."

Hayato was dizzy trying to keep up, but that caught his attention, "Who else did you come out to…?"

Then, suddenly, a puzzle piece clicked together in his mind and his stomach dropped. He felt sick.

Haruna tsked under his breath and touched his own face, where the worst bruise, still purple but yellowing around the edges, was, "My old coworkers found out I… like boys and beat the shit out of me. Then they called my parents and told them and now I'm grounded until nobody can tell I have bruises anymore."

Exactly what he thought, then.

"There's no way they would let this get out… But like, they already hate me and hate everything about me, so what's the point?" Haruna leaned his face into where Hayato cradled it, "Like, I'm already an idol, you know? I  _ know _ I can't be open about it, I  _ knew  _ that there's people out there like that, but, fuck."

Haruna broke off, turning his head to the side and biting his lip. 

For Hayato, his mom… probably knew he was gay, but he'd never told her officially and he probably would hide it as long as possible. When he first admitted to Natsuki (and himself) that he really, seriously liked their drummer, it felt like his heart was going to collapse. When he saw Minori-san kiss Kyoji-san goodbye after dropping him off for some modeling gig and it was the first time he'd ever seen anyone like  _ him _ doing something like  _ that _ in public, he couldn't get it off his mind for a week.

He understood, more or less, the danger of other people finding out, but something like this happening to someone he knew… happening to  _ Haruna  _ just seemed inconceivable. 

But. "Your parents knew you got hurt because people found out and all they did was make you stay home to not embarrass them…?" Hayato could feel anger on his drummer's behalf rising in his throat.

Haruna swallowed, "My dad tried to say something about it hurting my image as an idol, like, pretending to be supportive, but then immediately took my phone and told me I wasn't allowed to contact you or Producer or anybody about it. Ugh."

"We were right to be worried, then…" Hayato said to himself. 

He could finally understand why Haruna wouldn't immediately tell him what happened when he got here. Hayato didn't know if he would have the strength to tell  _ anyone _ if that happened to him. Maybe that was what was holding Haruna back from talking about his type and crushes; this rightful fear of what would happen if he did just be honest with everybody the way Hayato was so dumb and just did without thinking. Haruna must be hurting  _ so much.  _

"Thank you for telling me, Haruna,” he managed, into Haruna's collarbone, “You didn’t have to.”

“I want to be honest with you, at least,” Haruna replied, eyes moving around his ceiling, “I’ve been nonstop thinking about it the past few days. The worst that could happen has already happened since my  _ parents  _ know, so I might as well enjoy the good part of it, too. If I didn’t tell you, then we wouldn’t have gotten this far, huh?”

Haruna was thinking about it just as much as Hayato was. The thought made Hayato’s stomach bloom. He  _ knew  _ it wasn’t just his imagination, the dance they’d been doing around each other for months. He knew he saw something in Haruna’s eye when they looked at each other. It was the exact same look in his own.

He shook his head, trying to not get lost in his own thoughts again. This was definitely something he could put more thought into tonight, "You should come back to school tomorrow. It's not like we don't have leftover makeup from lives laying around, like, everywhere. Plus, you're good at applying it, so it shouldn't be a problem…?”

"If I could come over early tomorrow morning to put some on, that would work…" Haruna sighed heavily, before ruffling up Hayato's hair, "You know my mom wouldn't let me bring any of that sort of thing in here."

"She wouldn't approve of half the stuff we're doing in here, anyways," Hayato's words were messed up with how Haruna was squishing his cheeks.

"Heh, true," he breathed out heavily, half laugh half sigh. It was probably hard to breathe with Hayato laying on his chest like this, but he wasn't making him move at all, "I'll probably fail again if I miss even one more day, honestly. Also, I kinda miss the rest of Hijo, I  _ guess _ ."

"Oh- I should probably let them know that we're both alive…" Hayato kind of completely forgot he was supposed to be updating everybody on Haruna's status, "You're a wanted man, Wakazato-san."

"The one who wanted me most has already got me, though" he teased, smiling down at him, a tease.

Hayato's face turned bright red and he pushed on Haruna's chest and rolled so they were laying next to each other in their usual position, "You suck, I changed my mind about missing you a whole lot."

He easily got his phone out of his back pocket like this. It was also easier to ignore Haruna's teasing if he wasn't looking directly at him. He unlocked his phone and gawked at the 99+ notifications on his messaging app. It'd only been two hours and somehow he'd gotten dozens and dozens of messages, the last one from less than 5 minutes ago.

stream hxj: AND AAAAALSO 

stream hxj: tell him that i said hes stupid for not checkin his msgs

stream hxj: but not like

stream hxj: ina mean way?

stream hxj: not that i think ud b mean 2 him but

stream hxj: bc like we still luuuuv him hes just dumb

stream hxj: and like

Haruna laughed behind him reading the messages, "Oh my God, Shiki!" he guffawed, "Hurry and reply back so he calms down a little."

Hayato bit his lip to hide his smile.

LEADER🎸🎮: shiki omfg

LEADER🎸🎮: haruna=received and alive 

stream hxj: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Natsuki: Oh thank god

Natsuki: I'll tell Jun to unblock shiki

"Where'd you think your parents hid your phone? I'm gonna go steal it back for you." Hayato handed the phone to Haruna's grabby hands.

Haruna took Hayato's phone in his hands and was catching up on everything the group chat had to offer from the past few days, "Somewhere in their room? No idea, TBH. Do you need help?"

Hayato waved him off, not wanting to leave Haruna's vicinity but also not wanting Haruna to push himself too much before he had to go back out to school tomorrow. It was easy enough to find his phone, anyways. It was just in his parent's side drawer next to a weird Lawyer-y book that probably even Teru-san wouldn't understand.

He entered back in Haruna's room and tossed his phone at him, before tossing himself back on the bed and curling back into Haruna's side like a cat, "It's at, like, 4%."

Haruna curled his arm around Hayato's shoulders and he fit perfectly, like he belonged there. Hayato wanted to kiss him again. This moment was so warm, and so lovely and everything Hayato's been writing gooey mushy love lyrics in his notebooks for years about. 

stream hxj: HARUNA FOUND AFTER BEING ABDUCTED BY ALIENS FOR 315 DAYS 315 HOURS 315 MINS AND 315 SECONDS @Jun @Jun @Jun CAN YOU BELIEVE IT

Natsuki: He still has you blocked i think. I wonder what happened

king donut: Lets all meet after school at Hayatos lol 

"Hey, don't just invite people over to my house." Hayato mumbled, not actually caring at all.

stream hxj: HARUNACCCHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

\--

Hayato fell asleep.

It made sense because he didn't sleep at all the night before  _ and _ barely at all the night before that, but that didn't explain why Haruna was also asleep, mouth open and making soft sleepy noises. It was incredibly cute, but it was almost time for school to get out and they were still curled around each other on Haruna's bed.

He nudged Haruna awake and they snuck out, Hayato thanking every being watching over them that his parents hadn't come home yet and caught them. Haruna would probably already be ripped a new one for just sneaking out, but if they saw that Hayato was the one doing it… he couldn't even imagine the wrath that would call on. Haruna had left a note for them and insisted it was fine, that his favorite pastime was doing things his parents didn't approve of, but Hayato was still watching behind his back every few seconds. 

"Oh, I also kinda told the rest of Hijo what was up with my face n'stuff," Haruna mentioned, leading Hayato down a hidden street so no cars would be able to see them walking, "I didn't give them all the details, but Shiki wanted a picture to make sure it was really me so I sent him one…"

"Eh? When did you take a picture?" 

"When we were on the bed together," Haruna answered smugly, holding up his phone and showing Hayato his lock screen. It was a selfie of the two of them on the bed and cuddled really closely, Hayato knocked out with his head on Haruna's shoulder. Haruna's bruises were visible in it and no doubt were commented on in the group chat. Hayato couldn't imagine nobody would notice.

"You sent that to them?" he was kind of embarrassed, because that was him with his guard way down, like way, way down, but he supposed it was alright. It wasn't like the rest of HighxJoker hadn't seen him in every possible way imaginable. They all knew how he felt about Haruna, though, so it made his cheeks flare up anyways.

"Is that okay…? I'm sorry, I didn't really think before sending it, and you looked real cute and warm so, I-"

Hayato waved his hands, "No! No, it's definitely fine! It's just, yanno, they know how I feel about you, so they probably, yanno…"

He didn't know what he was even going to finish that sentence with, but Haruna stepped closer to him at that moment, cutting him off, "They know how you feel?"

Hayato didn't look up at Haruna, "I think I've been kind of obvious? Natsuki definitely knows because I outright told him, but-"

Haruna walked them backwards so Hayato's back was against the brick. His arm came up and caged Hayato in, bringing them closer than before and giving Haruna the opportunity to lift Hayato's chin up so their eyes finally met.

He was kabedonning him.

"You're kabedonning me," Hayato said smartly.

"Don't just say that, I'm trying to be cool, hold on," Haruna laughed, face red, then got more serious, "If they got to know before me, then you should at least tell me outright, too."

Oh my God, this was a dream. This had to be.

Hayato was 99% sure this happened in 3 out of the 5 BL games he had under his mattress.

But, still, this was his chance, and he really didn't want to wait any longer than he already had to say this. It'd been on the tip of his tongue every moment they'd be alone (and some they hadn't) for  _ months _ . Plus, Haruna deserved to hear this even more than Natsuki did while Hayato was crying and sitting on his bedroom floor because he was in love with his best friend. 

Haruna had faced so much backlash and hate and hurt the past few days, Hayato couldn't imagine it. And underneath the cute flushed cheeks and out of character kabedon, he could sense a nervousness and uneasiness left in Haruna. An 'is this too much, is this weird' that Hayato understood all too well. An unsureness that Hayato needed to be the one to erase.

He wanted to see a sunny and happy Haruna again. 

Plus, he'd made Haruna kiss him first. This was only fair.

"I like you, Haruna."

Haruna's breath caught, but Hayato didn't stop, "I like you so much, it feels like I can't hold it back most days. I like you as much, no, even  _ more  _ than Natsuki and Jun like each other."

Haruna's eyes went shiny and ducked his head down, laughing under his breath, "That's- that's a lot of like."

"We can never be open about it, and we can't tell anybody outside of 315Pro, and your parents are gonna kill you for like so many other reasons, I can't even list them, but," Hayato laced their fingers together, heart feeling like he just performed Joker Almighty ten times in a row in his chest, "You're my best friend and I love that and I want us to stay that forever, but I want so much more with you, t-too and… Haruna, don't cry!"

Haruna ignored him to push him fully against the brick behind him and kiss him hard, square on the lips. He could feel Haruna's wet cheeks and it made him well up a little, too. He wanted to make Haruna  _ so _ happy. As happy as he made him.

He still wasn't really sure what to do when doing something like this, like where to put his hands or what to do with his legs or lips or any part of him really. The only thing he had on his side was a lot, a  _ lot  _ of time thinking about how exactly he wanted to kiss Haruna and where and when. That, added with the genuine excitement to be able to just reach out and not be pushed away made this so much easier.

He wanted more than anything to protect this memory, this feeling, this whole moment that was theirs and completely theirs. Kissing (kissing!!) in an alleyway, being pushed up against a brick wall of some old yakiniku place that they'd went to before with Shiki, tears in both of their eyes, every point of contact between them zinging like electricity. This was _ youth. _

Hayato pulled away, voice wobbly, "We shouldn't do this right here, and we need to get going like,  _ now _ , now but later I'll… I'll finish what I was saying, okay? Okay?"

Haruna nodded, scrubbing his eyes with the back of his hand, "Alright. Whew, alright. I promise I'll confess properly later, too."

Hayato steeled himself and pulled away from their embrace, because really, it got harder each time. Haruna kept their hands connected, though, not letting Hayato separate them all the way just yet. 

"Hey, Leader," he started, looking him right in the eyes, "Hayato…for now, I’ll say this. I like you, too."

\----

Their reunion with the rest of HighxJoker after school was… a lot.

Both Hayato  _ and  _ Haruna had a new bruise from Shiki run-tackling him and Hayato joining in on the dogpile. Natsuki got misty-eyed and Jun lectured Haruna for about five straight minutes. Seeing all 5 of them together again made Hayato and Shiki cry all the way, because this is how it was supposed to be. All 5 of them. 

They discussed, although not in the same detail, what happened with Haruna and why he ghosted them. Nobody really seemed angry, Hayato noted, which finally got rid of his final worry. If somebody was angry with Haruna for skipping practice and not contacting them, Hayato wasn't even sure what he would do. Luckily, everybody seemed so happy to see him again. Even better was that Haruna looked even happier to be back around his friends. Hayato felt like he could breathe for the first time in  _ days.  _

The thing about Hayato’s apartment was that it was a perfect size for him and his mom, when she was home, and maybe two other people, but all 5 of them always had a rough time sharing Hayato’s bedroom overnight. So, they decided to spend the night all together at Jun's house, mainly because that was probably the place Haruna's parents would hate Haruna being the least at. At least there was semi-adult supervision there.

Hayato was kind of surprised Jun agreed so easily, but maybe everybody was just happy to be together again. The thought made him smile to himself. 

"So, what did Producer-san say when you told them about Haruna-san?" Jun asked, shifting through his school bag on the floor of his room.

Oh shit. He knew he was forgetting something.

"Uhh…" Hayato pulled out his phone, hearing Jun tsk in the background, "Kinda, um, forgot to tell them, but…"

He sent off a text saying something about how Haruna's going to be back to school and practices tomorrow and sorry for it already being so late. A reply came less than 20 seconds later. 

Producer: Oh good, I was just about to contact you and see what happened :) Tell him I'll be excited to see him again!

Producer: And that I won't go easy on him even though he missed practice!

Haruna read the message from behind him where he was leaning against the wall with Hayato laying across his legs, “Wow, Producer’s gonna kick my ass.”

Shiki guffawed through a mouthful of pretzels, "You already got your butt kicked, Harunacchi!" 

Haruna threw a pillow at him, and in a completely monotone voice said, "Oh my God, Hayato, stop him, he won't stop roasting me."

"Behave," Hayato and Jun called out at the same time. Hayato's voice was muffled from where his face was pressed into Jun's bed. 

Shiki pouted, but shoved himself off the floor and onto the bed, so he was half on top of Hayato now, "Hai-ssu~... I'm behaving, look, Hayatocchi."

"Mmm, Hijo dogpile," Hayato said in lieu of an actual reply. He didn't even look, he was too warm and too comfortable after the meal Jun's family's staff had prepared. Today had been the longest and most action-packed day of his life, what with his rescue mission, first kiss, first confession, and reunion with the rest of the band. He wanted to just sleep for a full day straight.

"It's not a Hijo dogpile without everybody," Haruna said somewhere above him, fingers meeting Hayato's hair, "Natsuki and Jun gotta join in, too."

Jun was already sitting on the foot of the bed, and Natsuki was making his way over. Hayato was suddenly very grateful they weren't at his house, because at max he could fit him and one other person on his old twin size mattress. Jun's king size was optimal for prime HighxJoker reunion cuddles. 

Everything was alright, now. They had gotten some face makeup to cover Haruna's bruises and it was set out with all their bags ready to deal with in the morning. It was already dark out, and Haruna's parents had no doubt noticed their son wasn't home like he was supposed to be, but Haruna's phone had stayed silent the entire time they'd eaten and walked around, so Hayato wasn't even that concerned. Who cares what they think.

Usually it would bother him a lot more, but maybe this was his rebellious phase kicking in? He didn't know if you could even have a rebellious phase against somebody else's parents, but whatever. Haruna's parents had treated him awfully since Hayato first met them, but this was just inexcusable. He made a mental note to ask if Producer had any ideas to deal with them.

Haruna slid so he was laying down instead of leaning up against the wall, which put his head on Natsuki's stomach and Shiki's foot in his spine, the same way Jun's elbow was in Hayato's. They happened to be facing each other, though, and Haruna smiled gently at him before closing his eyes.

Hayato would fight for this.

He's never felt so sure and determined about what he wanted to do, before. He always just coasted through life, making acquaintances and learning little side hobbies, but HighxJoker had brought light to it in a way he thought he never would feel.  _ Haruna  _ had taken that light and made it really sparkle, because with him, with all 5 of them, they could shine in any sky.

The last thing Hayato remembers before falling back asleep was Haruna curling their fingers together.

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry for writing such a sad harunacchi... next haruhaya i write will 100% show our dear haruna at his best!! being the loving and doting bf to hayato that we all know he is!! and it will hopefully be more recently written so its actually canon information!! lol!! 
> 
> if you have any questions, comments, concerns or anything at all youd like to say, please leave a comment!! thank you for reading!!


End file.
